Why I think more Christians need therapy.

For 2 months last year, every fortnight I walked into the office of a middle aged white man with mousy brown hair who likes to take photos of war memorials and loves Jesus.

He was my therapist.

I had stalked him on social media before the start of our first session. If I was going to be pouring out my heart to him, I wanted to know certain things about him first (he doesn’t know this, so when you do read this Jeremy, I promise it was only once).

I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back a bit.

Why I decided to get therapy

I am an over-thinker, and I don’t mean that in a cute sense.

It can be a strength. My overthinking can lead to empathy. I am always trying to see things from other people’s perspectives. I am concerned about how the things I say may be received, and I aim to be all things to all men without compromising. I take a lot of time before making decisions.

However, even Superman’s super strength has its cons. With the same strength he uses to rescue nations, he may kill his loved ones if he holds them too tightly.

My overthinking (which can lead to empathy) can also lead to people pleasing. Or depression. When I have experienced painful situations, I can replay them continuously. When people compliment me, I tend to be thankful and humbled, however the criticism I get can deeply hurt. I notice when someone doesn’t greet me in as much energy as they used to, and my first thought tends to be whether I have done something wrong.

2017 was a painful year for me. It was probably the most painful year of my life till date. I lost a long term relationship, friendship and my maternal grandmother. I experienced a form of betrayal. It was also my final year of university, which was quite stressful. On some days, my prayers consisted of asking God to stop me from going crazy.

I healed from that. I got through it. I wrote a bit about it. However, it wasn’t until 2019 that I started experiencing intense fear. I had experienced it when I was younger, but my overthinking took it to new levels.

My rational brain looked at the fears, and despite feeling them, knew they didn’t make much sense. Yet I couldn’t deny their presence.

So I chose therapy. To have a safe place to voice and process them out.

Why therapy?

My loved ones are amazing.

Spiritual leaders, friends and family can be safe places. However when it comes to processing through thoughts, I think a completely neutral party can be such a blessing. This can be for a few reasons, namely;

• The fears and things you may want to process out with people close to you could hurt them. This may be because it is about them or because it involves them in some capacity.
• It takes skill, a gift and incredible patience to process another person’s pain regularly. Leaving that responsibility to just one or two close people isn’t fair on them. Especially when they are likely dealing with their own junk.

I told my pastor, a few close friends and my fiancee (girlfriend at that time) my plans. I explained why, and they supported me.

When it came to therapy, I knew I wanted someone who was a Christian. I wanted someone who not only respected, but had the same basic Christian beliefs as me. So I went on the website for the Association of Christian Counsellors, put in my postcode and looked through all of the counselors near me.

Only one stood out.

His biography said that he used an ‘integrative approach’, which meant that he borrowed from different counselling methods. I liked that. On his list of specialties which included but was not limited to depression, grief and addiction, there was also faith and spirituality. That gave me a bit of comfort. I lastly decided to stalk him on Twitter, to see the kind of things he tweeted and who he followed. He followed one of my favourite pastors, Mike Pilavachi.

He passed the ‘test’.

So I emailed him and set up my first session.

My sessions

In my first session, I walked into his office, put my coat down, accepted a cup of water that he had offered and sat across from him. He had a very calm demeanour, which I found warm but slightly unnerving. Not unnerving enough for me to not speak however, as I had been dying to verbalize my thoughts.

In our first session, he asked me to explain why I wanted counselling. So I told him about all of my fears. Fears ranging from making the wrong decisions to seeing the things I care about crumble. I told him how I knew they were completely illogical, yet how they somehow seemed to torment me.

I spoke. He listened.

Counselling/therapy is quite different to what you may experience with a spiritual leader. It’s less them listening and then giving you recommended advice based on the scriptures (which is important). It’s more someone listening to you and walking you through a journey of understanding why you think the way you do. How things like your upbringing, trauma, society, etc. can all play into this.

A therapist is less of an adviser and more of a guide.

The first session went well. I felt comfortable with him and so I saw him after that every other Tuesday at 6pm.

The sessions generally consisted of him asking me guided questions that caused me to think, and explore the root of my fears. They consisted of things I had never considered a ‘big thing’. Family expectations. Societal expectations. Past painful situations. We spoke about why they affected me and a healthy way to deal with the fears whenever they popped up.

As I poured myself out to him, I soon found the sessions lighter, though there always remained the air of seriousness. I found myself grabbing myself a cup of water before he would offer and cracking light jokes. I saw him smile more, but he still kept it very professional, which I think is important. He continued to ask me questions which prompted thoughts.

In one session, I had been expounding on my fears and my fear regarding decision making. He listened to me and then calmly but directly said:

“You’re a man of God. How does that factor into this? How does faith factor into this?”

I chuckled. It was a good question. It was also an important thing to remind myself, as fears have a habit of ganging up on faith and hiding it away from sight. Sometimes, we need a reminder of what we already know. David had a similar mindset during the midst of a breakdown. He reminded himself of what he stood for and had a conversation with himself saying:

“Why my soul are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.” — Psalm 42:11 NIV

The sessions were a blessing. They went on for around 2 months (but can go on for as long as they are needed. This is usually discussed with your counsellor/therapist). We didn’t plan for our last session to be our last session. However, when I came into that session, we saw that I had effectively processed my fears to a place where even when they popped up (which they will try to do), I had healthy tools to stop them from destabilizing me. We both agreed that we had to come to the end.

I thanked Jeremy and I said goodbye.

Why I think more Christians need therapy

We live in a fallen world.

Life sucks. We experience pain in different ways. Death of loved ones. Break ups. Betrayals. Loss of jobs. The book of Psalms, Ecclesiastes and Lamentations show us men processing and dealing with this pain.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. It tends to hide them. What’s scary about that, is that some of our behaviours and beliefs may have links to what cannot be seen.

This is true for Christians as well. One of my burdens is that there are a lot of believers (especially in Charismatic circles), who believe that all they need to do is pray about their issues and and everything will be okay. If they go to an altar call, then all things will be solved. The result is that there are a lot of people dealing with behaviours and patterns that link to something they have not processed properly from their past. Pain. Hurt. Parental neglect. Abuse. You name it.

In the past few years, there have been so many stories of pastors committing suicide. Though my aim is not to expand on why I think that is (it’s not simple), I do think this shows us that even those in Christian leadership need to have a conversation on how they are effectively stewarding their mental health. My fiancee once remarked to me, that “it is fascinating how therapists are required to regularly check in with other therapists due to how much pain they have to help people with, but pastors don’t tend do the same”.

Christian leaders regularly deal with a lot. Counselling and dealing with other people’s pain and hurt. Having to deal with their own issues like personal grief. Betrayal. Rumours and slander. People leaving their Church families who they never expected to. To not have a place to process that all out will eventually have some sort of effect. Subtle or overt.

I am convinced, that a lot of Christians go through the same cycles and go to the same altar calls, because they have been prayed for, but have not received true authentic counselling/therapy.

One of my favourite charismatic Christian ministries is Soul Survivor. They held annual Christian festivals for almost 30 years, each lasting about one week. One unique thing they did in their festivals, is have a ‘chat room’. After young people were prayed for at altar calls, there was a room, where people could go and process their pain and hurt with a carefully selected team of mature Christians in a biblical fashion. Mike Pilavachi (Soul Survivor’s leader) always encouraged this. I once served in that team. It was an honour to be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, but it also made me realise even more that with the way God has made us, prayer is not meant to be the end all solution to all soul issues.

The encouragement of the saints is needed (Hebrews 10:25) and that is sometimes contained in therapy.

How it has changed me

One day I will write on my journey with mental health as a whole. I will write on why I take it seriously and why doing so has been such a blessing.

However in regards to therapy, it’s been a great aid. I tend to be quite introverted when it comes to my thoughts. I process a lot internally. However, it’s necessary to process certain things externally to effectively deal with them. Therapy has helped with that.

Though I am not a professional therapist, I pastor young adults. Being on the receiving end of counselling has created a deeper sense of empathy in me. This factors into my sessions when I counsel and advise others. Therapy has taught me the importance of speaking less and listening more. Though I still provide advice, I try to take the approach of being a guide as well. Asking questions to prompt thoughts and not just sharing ‘wisdom’.

When a friend or my fiancee shares their burdens with me, I am able to empathise and understand how to listen and support them more.

I am a better friend, partner and leader because of therapy and taking care of my mental health.

Conclusion

I am grateful for therapy. I am grateful for my therapist. I am grateful for God.

I said goodbye to my therapist for now, but there may be another time I may need the gift God has placed in him again. I will one day experience the pain of a bereavement again. I may one day experience the pain of betrayal again. I may one day need someone to process internal turmoil with. I will do so with my loved ones and I may also do so with a therapist. Till Christ comes, I will need the gifts he has placed in both. And that my friends, is completely okay.

Maranatha.