A guide for when you want to leave your Church
I will start by saying, I do not believe in any doctrine that insinuates that your destiny is tied to that of any local assembly.
By that I mean, a teaching that infers that if you leave a certain Church, your life will be negatively affected. In fact, I think such a belief is demonic and assemblies that teach that have traits of a cult, and should be avoided.
If the scriptures are true and we are indeed the temple of the living God, then the presence of Christ is indeed in every true Christian assembly and leaving one to join another is not a sin nor does it mean your life is ruined.
However, this does not mean that we should treat leaving a local Church family as a light or casual thing. No relationship or friendship should be viewed in such a manner, and being part of a local assembly involves lots of deep relationship building. So it’s no surprise that leaving a Church is rarely easy. That place has been ‘home’. You spend a minimum of once a week with the people there and have grown with them. It’s not supposed to be easy to just leave. Yet at times despite our love, it may be necessary. How do we discern if it truly is? How do we navigate our thoughts, especially when we’re not too sure what the best decision is?
The aim of this blog post is to examine a few of the major reasons why people leave Churches and provide some wisdom and guidance if you are in a place where you need to make a decision. I will not be dealing with logistical reasons such as moving countries, or reasons relating to abuse (as that would require more time and space).
I would also hope that if you are having these thoughts, that you would have some people in your life that you are able to speak about this with. Accountability, close friends, etc. It is always best to not depend solely on resources or people online, as in most cases, the people in your immediate life are better able to help due to their proximity.
Saying all of that, let’s get into it.
Change in theological stance
Change in theological stances is one of most common and significant reasons why people leave Church assemblies.
Maybe you were Roman Catholic and have now become Protestant. Maybe you were Pentecostal and have become a bit more Reformed. Maybe you were a cessationist and now believe in the gifts of the Spirit (or vice versa). It could be anything. When does a shift in belief indicate that a shift in a local assembly is necessary?
I think one of the best ways to approach this, is to have an understanding of what theologians call the ‘theological triage’, which is a helpful breakdown coined by Al Mohler to describe the urgency/priority of doctrines, as shown in scripture.
- Gospel — These are the essentials of the Gospel, in which there should be no compromise otherwise we would be teaching a ‘different gospel’, which the Bible makes clear is grounds for God’s curse (Galatians 1:8) and for us to cut fellowship with those who teach it (2 John 1:9–11). Under this would include; the deity and humanity of Christ, salvation by faith alone, the Trinity, the nature of God, etc. Essentially, Orthodox doctrine which the Church commonly agrees describes who God is and is essential in describing what the Gospel is.
- Church — Under this category, would be things that are not necessarily essential for salvation, but are important for how the Church runs. This includes but is not limited to; the gifts of the Spirit, the order of Church leadership, infant baptism, women leading and teaching in the Church, how should the Church engage with social justice issues, etc. These are things where we can disagree on matters and still be saved, but may prove to be a point of major contention.
- Preferences — These are doctrines that do not majorly influence the running of a Church, and does not deal with the uncompromising essentials. Under this can include the interpretation of end-time prophecies, tattoos, style of worship music, etc.
All doctrine is important, but viewing doctrine this way can help in discerning what hills to die on in Christian debates, and more importantly, whether a Church may be for you. Taking this into account, depending on the doctrine, here are some thoughts on how you approach it.
- Gospel — Leave. I do not believe there is any Biblical reason for a Christian to be part of an assembly that teaches something contrary to what scripture teaches about the essential truths regarding God and Salvation. The Bible in fact makes clear, that this is grounds for cutting fellowship. It may be helpful to examine the statement of faith and general preaching of your local assembly and see if it aligns with orthodox creeds such as the Apostles Creed and Nicene Creed. Due to the difference in central beliefs concerning salvation, this would also mean that protestants being a member of a catholic assembly would not be advisable. Catholics would advise similarly for their own members, as made clear by the Council of Trent.
- Church — This is the most difficult one, and this is where most people who leave churches due to theology find their contention. I believe that if a person decides to leave a Church due to a doctrine that falls into this category, they would not be wrong, especially if they believe it’s stifling them or they feel really passionate about it. However, I also believe you can be in a Church and flourish despite disagreeing with a few secondary doctrines. The caveat being how that Church engages with the doctrine. For example, a Charismatic could grow in holiness and Christian maturity in a Church that does not believe in nor pursue the gifts of the Spirit. However, it would be harder for that individual to grow in that assembly if the Church actively preached against anything to do with the modern-day demonstration of the gifts. In general, I suggest it is worth speaking to leadership about your concerns. Hear why they believe what they believe, and how they conclude this from scripture. Even if you don’t agree with the conclusions (reputable Christians have been disagreeing on them for centuries), if you can respect their approach to scripture and reasoning, I do not believe you have to leave. If however you disagree with their approach and their conclusions (as they do not hold the scripture in high esteem), or your concerns are quickly shut down, or you feel very strongly that you are being stifled by the system, then it is likely that the assembly may not be for you.
- Preference- It is not necessary to leave, unless the Church teaches the doctrine in such a way that it becomes very stifling, manipulative or abusive (which is actually quite common). For example, a Church that teaches that women cannot wear jeans and makeup, and rebukes women who do so. Or a Church that has a specific system for its members to enter relationships, and abusively controls its members in following that way.
Church culture / Leadership
I merged Church culture with leadership, as though they are different, they tend to go hand in hand. The leaders of a Church shape the culture, consciously, and unconsciously. If there are issues with the leadership of a Church, it will reflect on the general culture of that Church.
Is there a culture where leaders are allowed to be rude and dismissive with no consequences? A culture of gossip? No care for volunteer welfare? Or maybe people who leave the Church are not to be spoken to? It could be that there is no care given to those who are in mourning. Or a culture that allows or promotes clear carnality and sin amongst its members. You name it. It all starts with leadership.
Leaders are not perfect. Neither are Churches. They won’t always get it right. The scriptures in fact show us an instance in the Bible where the Apostle Peter, due to the long awkward relationship between Jews and Gentiles (non-Jews), behaves in such a way that caused other Jews to not treat them like fellow brethren. I’ll use this for my case study.
Apostle Peter, due to some cultural mindsets that the Gospel was beginning to tear down, wouldn’t eat with the Gentiles when other Jews came around. His insecurity and flaws led to his harmful compromise. Because he was a leader, it led to a knock-on effect of others doing similar. His wrong behaviour would have directly hurt Gentile brethren, but it also created the space for other Jews to behave similarly. This was the start of a toxic culture. Paul dealt with this swiftly and publicly.
There is no excuse for upholding cultures that harm members of the Church in any way, or stifles them from growing and being all that God has called them to be. They must be challenged, and members of a congregation should have the ability to do so. I would always recommend that be done first.
Sadly, as cultures can be so deeply entrenched, and in some cases challenging leadership is not allowed, this case tends to be a bit more difficult. Before you finalise your decision to move on, I would suggest the following.
You speak to a significant leader in the Church. The senior pastor hopefully. If not possible, an Elder or someone who is in senior leadership. You do not have to share your thoughts on leaving the Church (though in some cases that may be helpful), but you should at least aim to share and express your concerns about culture/leadership. Voice it out and ask if it would be possible to be updated on progress regarding how it is addressed. That conversation would normally indicate to you whether you should stay or not. If your concerns are heard, there is repentance and it’s dealt with seriously, it is not necessary to leave. If your concerns are not heard or there is no follow up, then leaving would not be a bad decision.
The case study above with Apostle Paul also shows us something important. A leader held another leader accountable. Now, I do believe that if any believer (be it in a leadership position or not) is doing something wrong, they should be able to be corrected by anyone. However, those who are in closer proximity and authority to a person (in this case leadership), normally have a greater platform to address concerns.
So are the leaders holding leaders accountable? Are they even able to, or are they shut down themselves. Is there any verifiable change? If there isn’t, it may be best to leave.
Feeling like just a number
This particular point is more common in Churches that are (or are becoming) Mega Churches.
When Churches begin to expand in congregation size, or people join Churches that are already relatively large, it’s very easy for people to begin to feel like just a number. When people feel like that, it’s not surprising that the feeling of wanting to leave for a smaller assembly may arise.
I once spoke to the pastor of quite a large Church. A man I wholeheartedly respect and was seeking mentorship from. I asked him how he deals with pastoring so many people, recognising it would be impractical for him to speak to each of them regularly. He responded,
“I moved from trying to pastor everyone, to ensuring everyone was pastored”.
He meant that recognizing his own limitations, he went down the Moses route. In Exodus 18, Moses’ father-in-law chastises him for trying to be superman. He advises him to stop trying to deal with everyone’s case, but instead raise leaders/structures which would stop him from being the only go-to person, which would allow the people to flourish and stop him from being depleted.
It is not wrong for an assembly to grow in size. I also think it’s not wise to think ‘small Churches’ are the best way forward. What happens if that Church grows in size? Should a person change Churches each time the population exceeds 100? Rather, I think it is more helpful to ask, “does my Church ensure that despite the number of people in the assembly, everyone has the opportunity to be discipled and make connections?” The next question is “Am I plugging into those opportunities?”
For most Churches, these will be small groups or fellowships based on location, gender, age, etc. Are they in place and are they effective? If not, it’s worth speaking to a leader about this. If however, you feel that despite trying to flag this, your concerns are ignored and/or nothing changes, then it may indeed be time for you to leave that assembly.
Conflict
Conflict is inevitable.
It’s so inevitable, that Jesus Himself speaks on the matter directly in Matthew 18, and both the Old and New testament has guidance on this, because it occurs regularly in both testaments. The only way you can avoid conflict is by having no relationships whatsoever.
So should a conflict ever result in you leave a Church?
The scriptures are clear that you should be looking to resolve this. That cannot be compromised. Healthy resolution doesn’t mean that you remain/become buddies with the person you’re in conflict with (though I believe that is a best-case scenario), but it does mean that you’re able to live at peace with them.
“If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” — Romans 12:18 CSB
Peace means there should no animosity between you. You may not be close friends anymore, but there is no slander, gossip or backbiting when they are not around. They are treated with respect and honour, even when you don’t feel like it.
However, some conflicts exceed the normal type. They can be more traumatic. This could be due to what the conflict is about, or the type of relationship between the individuals in conflict (broken engagement or marriage for example). In those cases, even after the conflict is resolved (or maybe that wasn’t able to happen), healing needs to take place. For this, I think you should have an honest conversation with the people who are helping you with your healing and also an honest self-assessment. Do you think you can heal effectively in that environment? If there are healthy boundaries that able to be put into place, and you believe that you are able to heal despite being in the same Church family, then go ahead. However, if it is too traumatic and you find that your healing seems to be stifled, then it is likely you may need to take a temporary or permanent break from that particular Church assembly.
Conclusion
My prayer with this post is that it provides some help and wisdom for those of you who may be struggling with making a decision concerning leaving a Church. My list is not exhaustive, but I do hope that you were able to glean some wisdom.
I know that this is not an easy decision, and my prayer is that you experience God’s wisdom and love in this time. If you are stuck at trying to figure out what “God’s will” is, my blog post on that topic may be helpful.
If you do decide to leave your Church, I would implore you to do it with honour and no drama. No slander, gossip or anything like that. As much as possible, leave it in such a way that you are able to maintain friendships, though I recognise that it’s not always possible depending on the reason and also the culture of the Church.
Nevertheless, even if we’re not in the same Church assembly, if we are saved then we are all part of the wider body of Christ, and one day we will see the face of Christ and worship him together.
Maranatha.
